so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
