I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
