Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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