census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
