my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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