I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
