Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
