and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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