just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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