It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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