she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
