remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
