I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
