after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
