@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
