That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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