"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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