I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize