well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
