I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Randomize
