This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
