I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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