we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
