a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
