he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
