Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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