My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
