It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
