I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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