I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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