my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize