Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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