Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
