hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
