mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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