I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
