You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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