Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
