I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
