Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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