It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
