I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
