I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
