his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
