Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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