wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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