I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
