This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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