is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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