working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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