your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
