I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
