Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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