My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
