you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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