I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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