i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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