i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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