grandma shit on top of the toilet
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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