If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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