I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
