you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Let's get the cat blown out
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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