She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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