You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
