hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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