your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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