Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
