I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize