Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Randomize
