sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
