if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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